One of the wonders of the internets, and specifically mysp*ce, is that I can sit and visit these music pages at the j.o. all day while I work, surfing for free music that may not have distribution or even a substantial word-of-mouth based rep, and eventually I can stumble upon a fast-moving, highly exclusive, and tightly interlinked ‘cartel’ of funk. Yeah that’s right, ‘a funk cartel’, fool. This operation is very complex and involves changing playlists, anonymous, untitled songs that you may have to look up via mix cd’s or by whatever lyrics that you can catch, and a highly reticent conglomerate of DJ’s and funk enthusiasts who approach the music with a Cosa Nostra-like air of Omerta. Like Geraldo, I will be unlocking the secrets of this shadowy organization.

Recently, I was talking to a talented NYC cat about digging, and as an emcee and producer with an east coast aesthetic, he expressed that he favors 70’s records much more than 80’s synthesized funk. Let me say I’m also partial to the 70’s, but I must also state that the 80’s should not ever be slept on, like a toddler crying for milk during the night. So for right now, let’s check these 80’s funk pages out one by one. (Keep in mind also that by the time you read this post, some of the songs might have been switched out for others, but still may have the same titles… so, like a fat woman’s ass in a crowded subway car, don’t hold me to it)

1. Monster Funk

monster funk
Rating: $$$ 1/2

Monster Funk is a page that features some great, easily likable funk jams. The first jam, generically titled “Funky Shit”, is sappy as shit, except in a very gangster way. This jam has stayed on the page while the others have been switched out over time, showing great lasting power. Make sure you listen until the powerful breakdown at around 2:45. “I reaaaally like it” indeed. “Old Skool” creeps up on you and bops you in the head. See how that windy synth sneaks up while the funky bassline distracts you and soon the guitars come in like it was rapper’s delight but more computerized, and by the time the vocals come in it’s too late. Shit is real. “Rare Funk” starts with some digital wizardry and space alien-like communications, like it was the Arecibo Response, and soon you are hearing about messages from the stars mid-coitus. “Monster 13” is a warning about a loose woman, and features great arabian sounding breakdowns and a “rock it don’t stop” chant, plus some old school raps.

2. Funky Town

funky town
Rating: $$$

Funky Town moves very fast. By the time you get used to one set of funk tracks, new ones will be put up. This page tends to be heavy on the sentimental lovey dovey type jams, but do not forget how gangster it stays up in there (or all these pages for that matter). I won’t even break down the tracks because by the time you read it, they might be different. Let me just say the group I am listening to right now is blistering with funk! (LOL @ putting extras – but seriously it’s solid)

3. Funk 1312
Rating: $$$

Funk 1312 is usually pretty good, and simarly changes its songs very frequently. Some of the stuff they post lacks a certain edge sometimes though. To be fair some of the best overall selections at one time at one place I have found on this page.

4. Funk Rider

funk rider
Rating: $$$ 1/2

This page changes its songs fast too, but I’m going to go out on a limb and say specifically that “Funk Rider 4” you may recognize as the backbone of Mac Dre’s classic with E-40, “Dredio”. This track has been done and redone a grip of times though. “Funk Rider 1” has a good opening drum beat. This page is very consistent.

5. Mister Groove
Rating: $$$$

This particular DJ, Mister Groove, offers his own self made mixes of many classic funk jams, such as Kleeer’s “Tonite”, Ameega’s “Funky Size”, Cameo’s “She’s Strange”, and Vaughn Mason’s “Feel My Love”. I give this page a rating of four $’s because his mixes keep the music fresh, never stale, so that even tracks you know really well sound brand new. The best part is that you can also hit him up to order his mix CD’s. I hit him off with a money order that I mailed to him, taking a risk on it, and got my mix CD back very quickly. So if you want an introduction to rare 80’s funk, I would hit him up and not be too scared about losing your money.

6. Whisper Funk
Rating: $$$ 1/2

What I like about Whisper Funk is that it’s run by a female. There’s a certain selection a female funk enthusiast will bring to the table that is very different from a guy’s selection. This page always has at least 2 good tracks, even if slightly geared towards the ladies, and it usually promotes a sound that is different from the host of other pages. I always check for this page.

7. Funkmosphere

Rating: $$$$

Funkmosphere is a page linked to a Monday night event at the bar Carbon in West LA, called Funkmosphere as well. I give this page four $’s even though the selection on the page isn’t the best ever, simply because the actual party is off the chain. Both Funkmospheres are run by Dam-Funk, former G-Funk producer and now current DJ and musician bringing the funk sound into modern day. The page selection is always solid but does not really represent the depth of knowledge that the actual event showcases. For example, the tracks usually sound a lot simpler than they really are, and usually build to a whole next level of dope, but only after a wait that doesn’t translate as well onto the net (hella nerdy comment I know). Other tracks like “KlassikGFunkness”, or Agony of De Feet by Parliament is not that rare but really is an undeniable track. On the other hand, “Rareindieboogiefunk” is both rare AND really good.

8. Ol-Skool Funk

ol-skool funk
Rating: $$$ 1/2

This page, Ol-Skool Funk, has really stepped it up recently, keeping true to never playing songs other pages have highlighted, and also keeping the vibe very on point and deep. The track titled “Firme” is really on point. I personally love these types of jams. “Ol” is some great daytime music, and “Sk” is better for the late night hype. These tracks all stand out and have depth.

9. OC Funk

oc funk
Rating: $$$$

This shit is all banging (well as of right now). “Classic Funk 4” is the Midnight Star joint “No Parking on the Dance Floor”, which features the recognizable squealing synth in the chorus. “Classic Funk 1” is a banger, a very strong funk track. But, “Classic Funk 2”, or “You’re the One For Me” by James “D-Train” Williams is really my shit though, to tell you the truth. Did he just say “Bust a nut on a cloud, shout out loud”? Apparently I’m not the only one who has asked this question, as you can see in the comments here.

10. AffiliateSS Funk

affiliates funk
Rating: $$$

Gawddamn get it while it’s motherfuckin hot (before they change the tracks). “Momma Said” just knocks. Momma I want to grow up to be a music lover, too. What he said. The other tracks are solid, but not standout.

11. Santana Style Funk

santana style funk
Rating: $$$$

This here is one of my all time favorites. One reason is because they currently have a “SA Style Three” that is tremendous and is on my myspace page. One of the best feelgood tracks of all time. And another is because a while back, they posted “Willing” by Ameega, the Madagascarian (?) wonderchild, which was also tremendous.

12. G-Funk 2007

g funk
Rating: $$$$

Germany brings the heat! This cat, has had “Trust In Me” by LJ Reynolds up for hella long, and that’s my track, for real for real. Also check out “Nights Over Egypt”, now that’s some smooth ass funk. Shit is how you say, clean as fuck? Don’t sleep on the chorus. “Oh Honey” is that old school ol-skool jam. That jam that was old-school in the old school days, that you may have played with your girl in junior high. Thank God for the Europeans, because without them we would consistently forget about our own culture.

13. Ol Skool Funkateers 714

ol skool funkateers
Rating: $$$

The last one I will cover. He holds it down, and even has one of my favorites, listed as “Tha Dome Song LOL”. Strictly by coincidence, I am ending with the number 13. It has nothing to do with being hit over the head and brainwashed with the number thirteen all day as I was surfing the sites, I just couldn’t do anymore. I didn’t fit all the sites together that are out there, cause I’m lazy, but this is kind of a beginner’s list. Happy surfing to the funk lovers and FUNK LOVE… Chea